Palutena & the Olympians
by SquareCity
Summary: Immerse into a series of short episodes featuring the goddess of Skyworld Palutena and her interactions with famous Greek Olympians.
1. Zeus flirts with Palutena

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Kid Icarus.

This is my first fanfiction. I hope you like it.

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><p>PALUTENA AND THE OLYMPIANS<p>

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><p><strong>Ep.1 –Zeus flirts with Palutena<strong>

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><p><strong>xXx<strong>

"And that is our Annual Report here Mt. Olympus." Palutena closed her financial statement book, "Any questions?"

Her eyes scrolled across the large gold executive table where sat all the gods of both Skyworld and Olympus.

Zeus who sat at the other end of the table across from her stood up. His snow-white beard that used to reach his defiant chest was cut to a short trim and his hair was styled like Zac Efron's.

He had on a plaid summer shirt, dress pants and shiny boots. He even smelled like ambrosia from afar. He looked like a jock straight out of a British movie. The kind that girls would go gaga over.

"I do have a question, Palutena," he said, "and I want you to answer me truthfully."

Palutena smiled, "Okay."

"If I ever decide to throw a winter party at my Winter Temple on Mt. Olympus, will people come?"

Hands shot up in the air across the table.

"And by people," he quickly added, "I meant green-haired slender looking sexy people." he ran his tongue across his upper lip and flashed a glowing white smile, "Like yourself."

"I have green hair!" spoke Medusa in the table. Everyone turned to stare at the dancing green snakes on her scalp hissing. "…well, technically, they're dark and scaly. But they're very much alive and bouncy!"

"Ew." Viridi who sat across from her gave a disgusted look.

Palutena ignored Medusa and turned back to Zeus, "Well it depends!" she said, "How many green-haired slender looking sexy people do you know?"

"Helloooo?" Medusa shouted, pointing at herself. But Zeus and Palutena were too busy staring into each other's eyes to pay attention to the Underworld goddess.

"Well," Zeus said, "I do know the scaly kind on our table here. But personally I'm more interested in the _other _sexy one looking right up at me."

Palutena brushed a lock of her hair. Zeus flashed another dazzling smile that blinded the meeting room. Medusa, who got the wrong message, was now running her tongue over her upper lip, while goo-goo eyeing Zeus and Viridi looked like she was about to vomit.

"You hear that, Viridian?" Medusa gave the Nature goddess an elbow nudge, "I'm the other sexy one looking right up at him."

Viridi rolled her eyes and scoffed. She stood up, pushing her chair back and turned to Zeus and Palutena, "Do you lovebirds need a room? Because the Aphrodite's Motel is right up next door from this Temple!"

xxx

Later that afternoon, Pit peeked into Palutena's bedchamber and found her in bed, reading a romance novel.

"Heeeyyy~!" He said in sing-song. "How's my luckiest goddess of the Skyworld doin'?"

Palutena put down her novel, her face red of embarrassment. "Pit?" she sat up, "Wh-what did you hear?"

Pit danced his way toward Palutena, "A little bird from the Goddess of Nature told me that you and Zeus are gonna get it _on!_"

Palutena's face looked like a tomato now. Her eyes fell on her book. "It's not that!" she said, "You're embarrassing me!"

Pit hopped on Palutena's bed, "So!" he said, "What is the story then? Because ever since we came to Mt. Olympus, Zeus has been eyeing you for some time. A _long _time."

Palutena sighed, "We're just having dinner."

Pit stopped smiling, "Dinner?" he said, "I thought he was inviting you to a party?"

"That…" she hesitated, "…was a test. Apparently, Zeus is a big Casanova around Mt. Olympus. Y'know, dating multiple women and having married twice or more. But…"

She put on a big grin and sat up, making herself comfortable next to Pit as if ready to dish on the latest gossip, "You know what he told me at our meeting today?"

"What?"

"He said that he's really shy around me. That he never met anyone as beautiful as me." She raised her shoulders giddily, "And that I'm the flower of his heart, and the North Star that reflects his starry night! His Diamond Forever!"

Pit gasped, "Really? He said that? Those exact words?"

Palutena nodded.

"Wow, that's deep." Pit said.

"So what do you think I should do?" Palutena asked.

It didn't take long for Pit to answer, "I think you should go for it!"

"You know what? You're right!" Palutena slipped back into bed, "I think I should!" she opened her book again.

"Cool beans! Hey by the way, can I borrow your book when you're done?"

Palutena gave Pit an awkward stare. "…why?"

Pit paused awkwardly, "…bee-cause I want to show something to my uhh… friend?"

Palutena narrowed her eyes.

Pit scratched his head. He was losing his voice, "…be-because you see. There was this one part…particular scene where the guy and the girl were at a uhh… the bar and…" He suddenly jumped off the bed, "you know what? Keep it."

xxx

Palutena walked into the Restaurant Olympia Oikos. It was a first-class restaurant with many men and women in fancy suits and garments, a large chandelier the shape of a dragon overlooking the dining crowd, pillars of gold surrounding red velvets tables and chairs, and a flourishing opera piece filled the restaurant with its melodic sound.

Palutena spotted a middle-aged man with an elfish features and curly salt-and-pepper hair at the registration desk. He wore a black pinstripe suit with a bowtie, and was rolling dices.

"Ah Palutena." The man spoke, "I was expecting you." He cocked his head on one side, "And I'm expecting some drama coming your way too."

"I'm sorry what?"

"Nevermind!" the man scooped the dices in a swift stroke and turned to Palutena, "Table for two?"

"How did you know?" Palutena asked.

"I'm Hermes. Manager of this here Restaurant Olympia Oikos, and I can predict stuffs."

"Ahh, like Shulk!"

Hermes cocked his head on one side, "Who?"

"Nevermind." Palutena said, before looking up at the chandelier, "I love the design on this chandelier."

"That's not a chandelier actually. That's Crystallux. It's a dragon."

Palutena's eyes widened, "Whuh-? Really?"

"Yes. From an Opera House in the World of Weyard." Hermes said, "It never left its home until Zeus built this place. Now it migrated in here and we never got to put our _own _chandelier. It must be attracted to the opera music we have here. Anyway, let me take you to your table, and Zeus will be here in a—!"

"Palutena?" a woman spoke.

Palutena turned around to see a woman with brown eyes and a crown of woven corn leaves and poppies adornment on her long wavy hair as blond as ripe wheat. She had a golden dress similar to Palutena.

"Demeted? I mean, _Demeter_!" Palutena said, "Is that really you?"

The two goddesses laughed and hugged.

"It really _is _me, Pal-Pal!" she said, "My, has it been a long, long time!"

"It has, Dee-Dee!" Palutena said, "How's the family? Your beautiful daughter Persephone?"

"She's well! She's well." Demeter replied, "How about you? What you've been up to?"

"I'm on a date!"

"Really? With who?"

"Zeus!"

The smile on Demeter's face vanished, "Oh."

"Oh?" Palutena's lips made a small o.

Demeter's eyes darkened. Instantly the temperature in the restaurant dropped to freezing state.

"Uhh… Muh-miss… De-De-Demeter…?"

"You're having… a date… with…with Zeus?" Demeter formed a fist. Palutena could see her friend's tall figure growing to seven feet tall as the temperature was drop—!

Oh, now she was eight feet tall. Nine feet tall. She was turning into a Titan, catching the restaurant's attention.

"Dee-Dee, are you okay?" Palutena asked.

"Ms. Demeter, please!" Hermes shouted, "Your blood pressure!"

Demeter blinked away the raging jealousy in her eyes and looked around. She looked up. Her head barely touched Crystallux's muzzle, "Oh, right. Sorry."

"Remember your Wii Fit Training, Ms. Demeter." Hermes said, "Breathe in… breathe out…"

Demeter did so. Her height shrank back to normal and the temperature returned to normal as well.

"Dee-Dee, what happened just now?"

Hermes turned to Palutena, "You don't know?" he said.

"Of course she doesn't know," Demeter said, "Because I never told her."

"Told me what?" Palutena asked.

"About Zeus?" Demeter said, "He's a womanizer."

Palutena shrugged, "So?"

"When he met you, did he, like, flirt with you?" she asked.

Palutena shrugged, "He flirts with everything that has a dress on."

"Okay but did he say something to you like how he's really shy around you?"

"Yeah?"

"That he never met anyone as beautiful as you?"

"…yeah?"

"And then you raise your shoulders giddily when he says that you're the flower of his heart?"

Palutena was quiet.

"And the North Star that reflects his starry night! And then for the grand finale to melt you over he says you're…"

"His Diamond Forever?" Palutena finished.

Demeter nodded. "Those were the _exact _words he said to me." She said, "And to Hera. And Alcmene. And Leto and Maia and Metis and Selene. And even the mortals like Europa, Beryl Grace and Callipso."

"Callisto."

"Whatever. Either way he uses his pickup lines on _all _women here in Mt. Olympus. And he used it on you."

Silence fell in the group.

"Ooooh," Hermes said, "that's the drama I was talking about coming your way in my dice vision." He snapped his fingers and a silver platter of sparkling drinks appeared to his hand, "Wine, ladies?"

Demeter and Palutena grabbed each a glass.

"Hello my lovelies!" spoke Zeus as he joined in. He grabbed a glass of wine as well and turned to Palutena, "So? Did you get us a table?" he then turned to Demeter, "Or what did I miss?"

Demeter shook her head.

Palutena forced a grin, "Nothing." She said, "except this."

She chucked her glass of wine to Zeus's face then smashed the glass on top of his skull before walking away. Demeter followed her. Both goddesses left Zeus dazed and confused.

**xxx**

**If you liked that episode, and want to read more, please let me know with a review. Thank you. :)**


	2. Kronos confesses his Sins

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Kid Icarus.

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><p>PALUTENA AND THE OLYMPIANS<p>

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><p><strong>Ep.2 –Kronos confesses his Sins<br>**

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><p><strong>xXx<strong>

Kronos entered Palutena's Temple and made his way to one of those private confession bins.

He sat down on the stool and breathed a sigh, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

The cubicle window drew open. "Yes, my child. Please share to me your iniqui—!"

The voice stopped speaking, drew a sharp gasp, and screamed, "KRONOS?"

Kronos's heart jumped. He recognized that voice! He turned to the person behind the window, "Palutena?"

Palutena let out a delightful scoff, "Oh my gosh, how are you—?"

"-even here?" Kronos finished that sentence.

Palutena gritted her teeth and forced a smile, "I own this temple, remember?"

Kronos grumbled under his breath, "…man, I was hoping to avoid you."

"Yeah, well too bad!" Palutena snapped, "We were supposed to have dinner six millennium and three centuries ago! Where the hell have you been?" she gasped, "Hell?"

"Well…"

"You stood me up!"

Kronos sighed, "I know, baby. It's just that… well, remember that little problem I had that I was telling you about but was not willing to tell you right away?"

"Oh, _that _little problem." Palutena sounded sarcastic.

"HEY!" Kronos shouted, "I have an eating problem, all right? And it's not the kind of eating problem that you guys have in today's generation, _I_ eat _my_ kids!"

Palutena let out a sharp gasp, then went dead silent.

"...what?" Kronos muttered, "Did I say something wrong?"

"You had kids?" Palutena's voice was dark and grouchy.

Kronos was silent, "Well…"

"You were MARRIED?"

Kronos was silent again. "It wasn't really working out, so…!"

Palutena scoffed and the cubicle window slid into a slam. Then silence.

"Come on, baby! We can still work this out!"

The cubicle window slid open again.

"And just so you know," Palutena snarled, "today's generation of eating problems is a serious issue you do NOT make fun of, _Cannibal_!"

The window slid close again and silence fell once more.

**xxx**

**If you liked that episode, and want to read more, please let me know with a review. Thank you. :)**


	3. Palutena needs a Christmas Spirit Job

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Kid Icarus.

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><p><strong>PALUTENA AND THE OLYMPIANS<strong>

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><p><strong>Ep.3 –Palutena needs a Christmas Spirit Job<br>**

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><p><strong>xXx<strong>

Palutena and Viridi walked down the snowy street of London England, Year 1843, when she noticed three posters.

"Ooh! Job postings!" she lit up and gazed closer to it, "Holiday position only."

"Hey, it's for the position of becoming a Christmas Spirit! For one night only!" Viridi said.

"And on Christmas Eve!" Palutena snapped her fingers and round Harry-Potter-like glasses popped up to her face.

"Job Requirement: You must be a spirit, a god or goddess, a ghost, or any kind of supernatural being that can either be cute-for the Christmas Past position, charming and comical-for the Christmas Present position, or really terrifying and creepy-looking-for the Christmas Yet-to-Come position."

She turned to Viridi with a smile, "I know exactly what kind of Christmas spirit I'll be! Christmas Present!"

"And I'll be the Spirit of Christmas Past!" Viridi said, "I'm cute! With a dash of adorable!"

Palutena laughed, "Ohh-kay, Viridi." she sounded sarcastic, "Okay, let's see how much it pays for one night! I've been dying to get Pit some new Pegasus wings for Christmas and I hope the salary is enough to cover his gift."

The two goddesses turned to the posters. Two of them were gone.

"What the-?" Palutena gasped.

"HEYYY!" Viridi whined, "Our job positions have gone missing! It's the Christmas Yet-to-Come one that remains! What gives?"

"Looking for these?" a dark voice spoke.

The two goddesses turned around and were greeted by their worst enemy.

"Hades!" Palutena hissed.

"Hey! These are OUR positions!" Viridi hissed.

"Not anymore." he grinned, "It's mine now."

"YOURS?" Palutena said, "You're not even charming and comical!"

"And he's not even CUTE! OR ADORABLE!" Viridi then shouted, "GET HIM!"

Palutena charged at Hades and jumped at him with a football tackle. Hades vanished. Palutena face-planted on the snowy pavement. Viridi sweatdropped.

Hades laughed. Viridi turned to him. She stretched out her hand and green stalks and vines with Piranha Plants snapping their teeths shot out of the ground. The Piranha Plants went for Hades. Hades vanished again. The plants hit one of the houses' stone wall and dropped on the snow unconscious.

Hades laughed, "If you want to talk about cuteness, Viridi, you should get rid of that weed of yours you call a face. Because Eee-Uuu, you're uglier than your sabretooth minions."

He then turned to Palutena, "As for you, Pally, delivering bad news as a Spirit of Christmas Yet-to-Come is like being an Emergency hotline Operator. Stop being so positive all the time and try a fresh change of pace."

Palutena plugged her nose and made a frowny face, "Speaking of change, have you changed your underwear since the last time we spoke 40 years ago?"

"Look, I don't have WATER in the UNDERWORLD, OKAY?! And ZEUS is denying me ACCESS TO THE WASHROOM!" he grabbed the Christmas Yet-to-Come Job poster that remained and formed it into a fireball, "Now take THAT job and SHOVE IT!"

He chucked the fireball at Palutena. Palutena brought her Reflect shield. The fireball hit the shield and bounced back at Hades. Hades ducked. The fireball whooshed past him and hit Viridi's face, causing an explosion to her face.

"EEEK!" Viridi squealed.

"Oops." Palutena put her hands over her mouth. The smoke cleared to reveal a bald, black-faced Viridi, covered in torn clothes. The three deities noticed a poor British peasant dressed in rags and covered in soot just like her. The peasant didn't see them of course.

"Now THAT is truly ugly." Hades chortled, "even your ugly minions agree with me right?"

The piranha plants nodded in agreement.

"SHUT UP AND GO BACK TO THE MUSHROOM KINGDOM!" Viridi stabbed her staff on the ground and the Piranha plants vanished into smokes.

At that moment, Hades snapped his finger and he too vanished.

"Wh-where did he go?" Palutena asked.

Viridi gasped, "He must have gone back to the Skyworld Human Resources Department! Hermes works there!"

"QUICK! TO THE HR ROOM!" Palutena stabbed the staff on the ground also and she and Viridi vanished.

xxx

It was only a quick second trip and the two goddesses ended up in front of a deserted building lobby with white marble and pillar on the walls, ceiling and floor. At the front desk was Hermes, as Viridi expected. But Hades was there also!

"QUICK!" Viridi shouted, "Before the position gets filled!"

The two goddesses arrived to the front desk just in time to hear Hermes say, "Sorry sir, the positions have been filled already."

Hades didn't get the job either apparently. "WHAT?" he roared, "HOW CAN THEY BE FILLED?"

"Yeah?! How are they filled?" Palutena shouted.

"Yeah?! How are they filled?" Viridi shouted.

Palutena and Hades turned to Viridi, "I just said that." they said together.

"And I can't repeat it?" the goddess of Nature snarled.

"Ever heard of the Skyternet?" Hermes asked.

It took a while for the three deities to digest that most important word.

"Damn." Palutena hissed under her breath, "I forgot about the Skyternet."

"You know humans will have something like this in the next 150 years." Viridi said, "THEY will call it the Internet. The Fates are writing a research paper about it."

"Ooooh, that's nice." Palutena cooed.

"WHO CAAAARES?!" Hades roared, "Who took my jobs?!"

Hermes suddenly got nervous. "I'm not at liberty to say." He said.

The three deities looked at each other and then back at Hermes, "And why not?" Viridi asked.

"Well, it's confidential by law of Olympus and Skyworld not to reveal anything to-"

Palutena waved her staff over Hermes's head and a thought bubble formed over his head.

The deities watched Hermes making fake posters of the three Christmas Spirits positions, using the Spellbook of the goddess of Magic, Circe, as a guide. They even saw the salary too: 600,000 Drachmas and 2000 Hearts! PER HOUR! Enough to buy AND pay off at least one mansion in Greece! If that job was real, they would've been filthy rich!

He took the three posters down to the place where the deities crossed path and slapped them to a wall with Skyworld instant glue. He lay back on the wall, arms crossed and chilling like a bad boy.

"Hee-Hee-Hee-Hee!" he cackled.

The thought bubble popped like a bubble. The three deities stared coldly at Hermes.

"Merry Christmas?" Hermes's voice dropped to a squeak.

"You witty piece of shit." Viridi growled.

The three deities turned to Viridi, wide-eyed.

"What? I'm a goddess! I'm allowed to CURSE!"

The door opened behind the three gods. Hermes watched another deity marching toward the front desk. He had the face of a skull and was draped in a red robe.

"Well, if it isn't my BFF Charon. The River Styx Guardian." Hades said, "You remember my good old pal, Hermes?"

Hermes gulped at the sight of Charon.

"You fooled him too with the Christmas Yet-to-Come poster. And he REAAAALLY hates being fooled."

Charon's voice sounded like Darth Vader. Hermes looked like he was about to experience the last seconds of his life... ...

xxx

Back at Palutena's Temple, Pit walked into the great living room, stretching and yawning. "Ahh, what a bright and early morning Lady Palutena!" he said, "Merry Christmas!"

"Merry Christmas Pit." she said while reading the latest recent events from her Amazon stone tablet.

"Say, what's for breakfast?" Pit asked.

Palutena went for a plate of delicious cookies sitting at a table next to her and offered them to him, "Help yourself."

"OOOH, COOKIES FOR CHRISTMAS BREAKFAST? SWEET!" he grabbed a load full of them and shoved them down his mouth. He chewed happily. He felt like he was in Heaven... ...

"They're made of Hermes's skin." Palutena said.

Pit instantly spewed the cookies out. "Gaah-! Ack! Ack! Gahh..." he slapped his tongue and his face in horror. He turned to the goddess, jaws dropped.

Palutena smiled back at him, "Merry Christmas."

Pit stared.

"Oh, don't look at me like that! He's not dead y'know? He just shedded off his own skin and wings."

"HOW?" Pit asked with horror in his voice tone.

"You don't wanna know. But one thing you should know though: Never... EVER... prank a goddess."

**xxx**

**If you liked that episode, and want to read more, please let me know with a review. Thank you. :)**


	4. Eris crashes a Wedding looking Fahbulous

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Kid Icarus.

**Author Note:** This chapter is based on the Trojan War and the Apple of Discord mythology, as told in a comical style. Hope you enjoy.

* * *

><p>PALUTENA AND THE OLYMPIANS<p>

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><p><strong>Ep.4 –Eris crashes a Wedding looking Fahbulous<br>**

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><p><strong>xXx<strong>

Palutena stood up in front of a huge crowd of gods and goddesses at a round table full of wedding foods and drinks. She tapped her cider ambrosia glass and the entire Wedding reception turned to her attention.

"Everyone!" she said, "I'd like to propose a toast to my dearest BFF Thetis..."

Thetis smiled. She was ravishing in her wedding dress, but with a golden spear, shield, and a helm the shape of a duck bill tucked between her bobcut black hair.

"And her beau Pélé." Palutena said.

"Uhh... it's actually Peleus." Peleus said. Peleus, the only mortal in the reception, had black beard and had on a Roman helm with feathers, Roman outfit and red cape.

" 'scuse me? Palutena has the spotlight here. Thanks." Palutena cleared her throat and went on, "As I was saying, I'd like to propose a toast to Thetis and... whatever your name is. As your fabulous wedding coordinator, I'd like to give myself some credit, thank you very much, on how hard I have worked in making this wedding a total-"

Something slammed to Palutena's face like a fastball. She dropped to the ground. Everyone shot to their feet to see if she was okay.

Zeus and Pit circled around her. "Lady Palutena!" Pit shouted, "Are you okay?"

"Ow..." Palutena groaned, holding her forehead, "I... I don't know."

"Someone threw something huge to your face." Pit said.

Palutena removed her hand off her forehead. The Olympians gasped in horror.

"What?" Palutena asked.

"There's a HUGE bump on your forehead!" Zeus said.

"And it's dripping pus!" said Pit.

The Olympians frowned in disgust.

"What?" Palutena gasped, "Quick! Mirror!"

Hera went to Palutena and opened her compact mirror. Palutena stared in horror at the bump on her forehead.

"What did I get hit by? A meteor?" Palutena shouted.

Viridi noticed something glittering on the ground. "No, you got hit by an apple." Viridi said, picking it up.

"An apple?!" Hera and Palutena glanced over Viridi to study the apple.

"Ooh!" Pit licked his lips, "Is it from the Garden of Eden?" he reached for it. Viridi slapped his hand away from the apple. "Ow!"

"No." Zeus said, "but it's rather unusual for a wedding present."

"It was supposed to be a wedding present deemed for the fahbulous," a voice spoke. The crowd of gods turned to it. It was Eris, the goddess of Discord. She strutted down into the reception hall as if she owned the place. Eris looked like a spitting image of Bayonetta, only except she was redhead and she had vulture wings as red as blood.

She stopped in the middle of the room and struck a runway pose. "...like me." she finished her sentence with a flash of smile. "But then I found out I wasn't invited." she added in disgust.

"Sooo, can we keep the apple?" Thelis asked curiously.

"But I send out the invitations to all of Olympus and Skyworld!" Palutena said before turning to Hermes, "I gave the Olympus invitations to Hermes to deliver them!"

"But Zeus told me he'd be in charge of the cross-referencing and invites!" Hermes added.

All heads in the reception turned to Zeus. Zeus looked around, feeling utterly cornered.

"All right fine! I didn't sent out all of the invites okay?" he snapped. The rolling of thunder sounded in the background.

A huge gasp filled the chamber.

"But there is a perfectly good reason why I didn't invite YOU to the wedding, Eris." Zeus pointed a finger at Eris. "You bring chaos and disorder everywhere you go! You're like... Hades's sister or something!"

"Uhh, Hades is my uncle?" Eris said, "And you're supposed to be my FATHER! How daaaaare you not invite your daughter to a wedding! Let alone offer the invite!" she dramatized.

Pit leaned toward Viridi and whispered, "That's why I never go to Zeus's Annual Thanksgiving dinners. Too many weird and awkwardness in his family."

"Well it doesn't matter!" Eris snapped, "Consider me the first EVER wedding day crasher in the world." Eris then turned to Palutena, "By the way Pal-Pal. There can only be one fabulous person in this entire universe and that, girlfriend, is me." she struck another pose again.

"What?" Palutena gasped, "You THREW an Apple to my face because I said I was fabulous?"

"Yes." she said, "And I wanted to test that theory out by chucking the apple at you and see if you can catch it in time. But tsk. The apple spoke. You're not worthy of being" she struck another pose, "Fabulous."

Palutena scratched her head, "Huh?"

"Ugh." Eris rolled her eyes, "Read the apple."

Palutena turned to it, but Hera already had the apple on hand. So she read, "For the Fairest." she shrugged, "I don't get it."

"The fairest is ME!" shouted Thetis, "It's supposed to be MY wedding present! Give it to me!"

But her voice fell to deaf ears.

"Read the footnote." Eris said.

Hera scanned the footnote, "Whoever can catches the Apple without getting hit by it will be deemed the fairest of them all goddesses. And will forever be wed to Zeus for all eternity. Aka Fahbulous. For girls only."

Zeus's jaws dropped, "WHAT?"

"Wow!" Pit said, "So it's like fastball? Think fast kind of thing?"

Eris snapped her finger and the Apple teleported from Hera's hands to hers. "Think fast!" She said, fast-pitching the apple to Pit. The apple struck Pit to the face and he fell.

"Bitch you ain't fabulous." Eris laughed.

Pit crawled to his knees, holding his enlarged forehead in pain. "Yeah, and I'm not a girl too."

Eris cocked her head on one side, "Really? I thought you were."

Pit's jaws dropped.

"I'm sorry, did that damn apple of yours said that I'm supposed to marry someone looking fabulous?" Zeus said. "I need clarification."

"And I need my wedding gift!" shouted Thetis, "I thought this was supposed to be the most important day of my**–**"

Eris chucked the apple to Thetis and struck her forehead. Thetis fell on the ground. Everyone turned to the bride's aid. Chaos ensued in the chamber. The apple reappeared into Eris's hands.

"Pssht. She wasn't even fabulous." Eris said, "What a waste of wedding gift."

Palutena, Hera, and Viridi all stepped toward Eris. Eris felt cornered.

"So you think you're the most fabulous goddess on the planet?" Palutena said. "I'm the fabulous one."

Eris crossed her arms and chuckled, "Pssht! Tell that to your forehead."

Palutena's face flushed pink as she rubbed her injured forehead.

"Oh, bitch please." Hera scoffed at Palutena, "I'M fabulous." she brushed her flaming hair back. "Just look at me."

Palutena stared down at Hera, "Whatchu say to me?"

"Hey! What about me?" Viridi shouted, "I'm adorable!"

Eris chucked the apple to Viridi, knocking her out too.

"The apple don't do adorable." Eris said in disgust. "It only does fabulous."

"Then chuck that apple at us!" shouted Hera, "Let's see who can catch it and can show off their fabulousness to Zeus. Me or," she looked down at Palutena, "the pale tuna next to me?"

Palutena's jaws dropped.

"No really. You are a pale tuna." Hera said, "I don't see what good Zeus sees in you."

"Everything you aren't?" Palutena countered.

Hera growled.

"You know what? Let's make it more fun." Eris tossed the apple to Zeus. Zeus caught the apple.

"How about we let Zeus decide."

Zeus's eyes widened in shock at the realization of the choice he was gonna make. He turned to Hera, then turned to Palutena. The apple of discord was cradled to his hand.

"So Zeus!" Eris said, "tell us! Who can become the fairest of them all? Your ex-wife? Or your ex-girlfriend? Just chuck the apple at anyone and it will choose for you. The one who isn't fabulous enough will get knocked out of course."

Zeus turned to Palutena. He then turned to Hera. Both goddesses were equally beautiful. And it was hard for Zeus to choose who was the most runway-style, supermodel-looking, most fabulous goddess in the crowd.

"Well, decide Zeus!" Eris shouted.

Zeus glared back at Eris. "I am sooo not inviting you to my annual Thanksgiving dinner anymore. And with that I choose no one!"

He chucked the apple back to Eris. Eris dodged the apple.

The double doors of the great hall opened and in strutted Aphrodite and Athena having casual conversations. The apple was heading straight toward them.

"WATCH OUT!" everyone shouted.

Both Aphrodite and Athena caught the apple together without thinking. They looked at the apple. They looked at the inscription. Then at each other. Then at the entire party crowd. Everyone had their jaws dropped.

"Okay, sign me up for Zeus's next Thanksgiving." Pit whispered to Hermes, " 'cause I can't wait to hear all about this."

**xxx**

**If you liked that episode, and want to read more, please let me know with a review. Thank you. :)**


	5. Ares and Mars's Bad Therapy Session

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Kid Icarus.

* * *

><p>PALUTENA AND THE OLYMPIANS<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Ep. 5–Ares and Mars's HORRIBLE, TERRIBLE, NO GOOD, VERY BAD Therapy Session<br>**

* * *

><p><strong>xXx<strong>

Palutena sat in front of Ares and Mars. Both were the gods of War and oppression, and both of them looked EXACTLY alike. Like twins. But different. Ares had red flaming hair combed back like a private student from Britain, and Mars had red flaming hair spreading out wildly like a surfer dude. Both wore glasses and coldly stared at each other.

"So!" Palutena began, "you guys are twins!"

"Unfortunately." Mars said. Ares rolled his eyes.

"So Ares." Palutena said, " Mars said his part, care to tell me in your own words what really hap-?"

"I'll just get right to the point, Palutena," Ares cut her off short, "I've been trying to be nice to him, trying to help him out, but noooo, all I get is cold shoulders and rude interrupt-"

Mars scorned, "blah-blah-blah. Oh go blow up a casket, immature brat."

"If only I could pass the midterm... Waah-waah-waah," Ares mimicked, "I mean really. What's with that obsession over JUST one midterm for one class? Fourteen years at the Academy! Studying for just one Bachelor Degree. The classes are so easy, even a human can finish it in four years!"

"Do you even know what it's like to take an exam, buffoon?"

"Hey I was a student too! And I know what that's like because not everything is just about passing the-"

"Aw shut your pie hole you bloody imbecile! You're as small-minded as Mother Gaea! You have the brain of a worm!" He pointed at Palutena, "Even this woman here can count how many toes she has without even looking!"

Palutena stared down at Mars as if insulted.

"How dare you!" Ares raged, "Mother Gaea is NOT small-minded and if I were an imbecile-"

"You still are." taunted Mars.

"...then how come I got two degrees before you? And YOU'RE obviously the oldest sibling!"

"Wait-wait-wait-wait!" Palutena interrupted. Turning to Ares, she looked surprised, "You already have two degrees?"

"Bachelors in Battle Strategies and Latin Literature. Graduated with Honors."

She then turned to Mars, "And you have none?"

Mars just shook his head.

"So the little bro is the first one to graduate higher education in the family of gods?" Palutena almost cracked up a mocking laugh.

"THAT'S NOT FUNNY!" Mars interrupted, turning to Ares. "See what you did? Utter humiliation! Can you believe that ass, going after my degree in Cosmology! How would I be able to create a planet of my own someday with HIM in my way?"

Then both brothers started talking over one another now.

"You gave me your bone marrow! So I'm taking the Cosmology courses only to help you out achieve your-are you ever gonna take this seriously?"

"Meh-Meh-Meh-Meh-Meh. I don't need your frigging thank you. Just go shove it where the sun don't shine. 'Are you evwa gonna twake this serious-how about you SHUT YOUR JAWS, ARES! I'm talking!"

"AGAIN with the interruption!" Ares harrumphed, turning to Palutena and pointed. "You see what he does?"

"Okay okay, let's not get ahead of ourselves. Mars, your brother hasn't finished speaking yet." Palutena then returned to Ares, "Please go on."

"He called Mother Gaea small-minded." Ares said.

"I heard." Palutena sounded a bit annoyed by that insult.

"That's because she is!" Mars interrupted again. Palutena's jaws hit the floor.

"She is NOT!" He turned to Palutena, "he abused Athena when she was only a child!"

"What about you? Your father hates you."

Ares chuckled, "Now Zeus hates us both, douche."

"Guys..." Palutena tried to speak but Ares and Mars shot to their feet. Mars magically conjured up a red shield and held it up high.

Ares gasped in horror, "Hey that's mine!" He went for the shield but Mars shoved him down on the ground, knocking his glasses back. He threw the shield on the ground and it shattered into pieces. Palutena was flabbergasted.

Mars laughed, "Who's the douche now?"

"I dare you break my Shield of Sparta." Ares dramatically said.

"That's what you get. Want to provoke me again, crazy? You want to lose more than your shield? Your helm? Your breastplate of diamonds perhaps? Mentally unstable pile of-"

"SHUT UUUUUUUUUHHHHP!" Palutena cut him off and slammed her Staff on the ground. Electricity roared and clashed across the counseling room.

Ares stopped. But Mars wasn't done.

"That's right, freak." He said, "Be quiet. Because you're the most hateful of all gods who-"

Palutena swung her staff across Mars's face like a mighty slap. CRASH! Mars stepped back, startled.

"When I tell you to shut up, that also includes you." She said darkly.

"B-B-But..." Mars stammered, "he's the one who started-"

"Let me tell you something, you flesh-eating bag of plague," Palutena snarled, "I have a strong respect for strong women like Mother Gaea, okay? She's an inspiration to all gods. Even if she wasn't one. You calling HER small-minded? If that was true, she wouldn't even bother spending her eternal lonely life creating a huge world full of people and creatures out of nowhere after divorcing Father Sky. And YOU wouldn't be here! She gave you birth. And she can snatch it away from you with a 10.0 magnitude earthquake that would split Texas and the Soviet Union in two."

Ares nodded, "tell him sister." He muttered.

"You heard what he said?" Mars squealed, having heard Ares make a side comment.

"I don't care what he says!" Palutena roared, "and speaking of Father Sky, must I remind you that you STOLE money from him to pay Aphrodite a LAP dance. A Lap dance. To Aphrodite. How disgusting. That's Eros's job to be filthy. Your brother was so afraid of the consequences he confessed to me last night that he had to lie to him to spare your life. Don't even think about sitting besides me and whine, you double-faced liar. To me YOU are the most hateful of all gods who hold Olympus. You can't even hold Olympus as easily as a crow can hold a breakfast burrito. Your brother may show some care for you, but me, even as a goddess of Light, I don't give a damn. You are a bully. You will always be a bully, and if I were you, I'd stay clear and far away from me as possible because like all bullies in my life, I will make it my ultimate mission to destroy... you... all... sevenfold. Physically. Mentally. And Spiritually."

Silence.

Palutena turned back to her sweet counselor self, "now this session is over. That would 7500 Drachmas and 30 Hearts please."

xXx


	6. Will you Accept this Rose?

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Kid Icarus.

**Author Note:** A chapter inspired by "ABC's the Bachelor". Hope you enjoy.

* * *

><p>PALUTENA AND THE OLYMPIANS<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Ep. 6–Will you Accept this Rose?<br>**

* * *

><p><strong>xXx<strong>

A golden plate of roses were laid down on a pillar next to Zeus.

The nervous Olympian god picked up a rose and took a heavy breath. His violet eyes stared at the marble floor for a while before he raised them to fix on his eligible bachelorettes.

There were SOOOO many of them. Almost 70. Even as a god of Thunder he didn't know (bleep) about Math.

He turned to the first goddess: Hera.

"Hera?" he called out to her.

Hera smiled and walked up to him. Her smile appeased his heart. Hera had never looked so beautiful. And her smile was the most radiant one of all.

"Hera." he handed her the rose, "Will you accept this-"

SLAP!

Hera cut him off with a mighty slap. His head flew back like a bobblehead. Hera snatched the rose from his hand, its thorns-which were never trimmed off unlike the roses in the human-version of the Bachelor-made a cut on his finger.

He hissed in pain and sucked his boo-boo fingers.

Hera stormed back to rejoin the ladies. No reaction from them. Zeus gulped.

"Leto?" he called out to the next goddess.

Leto walked up to him. She looked serious. Zeus's nervousness bubbled inside him.

"Leto," he handed her the rose, "Will you accept this-"

Another SLAP! from Leto. Leto snatched the rose and walked back to her spot. Zeus cringed.

"Metis?"

Metis walked up to him. Unlike the other ladies in the room, her white dress was covered in puke. She never changed outfit. She chose not to, as a reminder to what Zeus did to her. Zeus was sweating now.

"Metis, will you-"

PHWOOF! A solid gold punch from Metis. Since she was a Titan goddess, her hits were twice as hard. She snatched the rose and walked back to her spot.

Zeus turned back to the ladies. Some of them were pounding their fists together. Some cracked knuckles and neck. They were ready to use him as a Sandbag substitute.

But the ceremony must go on.

"Demeted? I mean, Demeter!"

She walked up to him, "How dare you!" she said.

"I'm sorry for the name. I-"

SLAP! She snatched the rose from his hand and walked back to her spot.

"Europa?" SLAP!

"Semele?" SLAP!

"Dione?" SLAP!

"Callisto?" SLAP!

"Nemesis?" SLAP!

"Persephone?" SLAP!

"Mu...Munemo...sin?" SLAP!

"iOS? I mean iO? Lo? How do we say your name?" SLAP!

The list went on.

Finally there was the final rose. Palutena, the host of the show, walked in to the room and immediately sensed the tension. She cleared her throat and remained professional.

"Only one final rose for the... ahem... Lucky lady?" she turned to Zeus, "Whenever you're ready."

Zeus nodded. Palutena walked away.

Zeus sighed. He was already all battered and bruised from the slaps and punches he got from the women. He had so many splinters on his fingers he couldn't even count. He still sucked at Math but he could tell his bruises were about the same number as the number of people in Babylon.

"Themis." the final name was called, and Themis walked up to him.

"Themis, before you hit me, I just want to say I'm sorry I used you for power, just like I used all the other lovely ladies for other purposes-"

"Zeus, save it." Themis interrupted. Zeus was quiet. Themis smiled, "I represent law and undisputed order. Divine right. So I'll just do the right thing, get the rose and walk back with my head held high."

Zeus sighed in relief, "Thank you. Well, Themis," he handed her the rose, "will you accept this-"

PHWOOF! Another solid gold punch from another Titan goddess. Zeus head flew back once more like a bobblehead. He looked back at Themis in shock and surprise.

"B-But I thought you weren't gonna hit me!"

"I said I'll just do the right thing, get the rose and walk back with my head held high. Did I ever said that I wasn't gonna hit you?"

Zeus was quiet.

Themis cracked her knuckles as all the goddesses and mortals that Zeus had at the rose ceremony walked toward them like an army of vengeful monsters.

"Then for all the goddesses, women, and ladies of the world out there," she said, "let me show you law and undisputed order."

Zeus cringed, getting ready for the worst.

"PALUTENAAAAAAA!" Zeus screamed in panic.

xxx

In the other room, Palutena was on a recliner, enjoying a plate of grapes and cherries, and sipping on Ambrosia wine. She could hear the screaming panic of Zeus in the other room as the goddesses was taking a beating on him.

"PALUTENAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" His agonizing scream filled the Bachelor's mansion.

Pit ran to the room to his aid.

"Don't bother Pit." Palutena said before he could step inside.

Pit turned to her. "But Lady Palutena! Zeus is in trouble! We have to help him! Plus it's Zeus! If we don't help him, he'll smoke us all with his thunder!"

"Zeus may be high and mighty, but when it comes to Women's Rights, WE are high and mighty." she said, "But if you still want to go help him, and you don't mind ending up being angel roadkill in the process, then be my guest."

Pit gulped, "Angel...roadkill?"

"PALUTEEEEEENAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Zeus's screams echoed along with the punches, kicks and screams of the other goddesses.

Pit turned away, "So what are you having?"

"Grapes with ambrosia wine." she said, "Want some?"

"Totally!"

xxx


	7. Hermes's Driving Assistant

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Kid Icarus.

* * *

><p>PALUTENA AND THE OLYMPIANS<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Ep. 7–Hermes's Driving Assistant for the Scaredy-Cat Drivers<br>**

* * *

><p>xXx<p>

The doors to Skyworld flung open and Palutena stormed in.

"Why in the Underworld would you dare tell your goddess-ME-that there's something wrong with me?" Palutena raged. Pit followed. He was just as red as she was.

"Because you were frigging hesitating!" Pit shouted back, "I told you to switch lanes at the right moment, but noooo... you had to HESITATE!"

"Don't you dare raise your voice at me Pit. Everyone makes mistakes, but I still deserve the respect every goddesses need from their inferiors like you."

Pit grabbed his chest in utter shock, "inferior? Is that what you think of me?"

Palutena crossed her arms, "If the shoe fits."

Hermes was watching from the sidelines as an awkward silence fell on the dynamic duo. They weren't so dynamic now.

"You know what? Forget I said anything." Palutena said dismissively, "just get everything ready for our next trip. I got to buy some seedlings for my vegetable gardens and I want you to do your job this time!"

She walked away. Pit grumbled. As soon as she was gone, he pulled out his bow, snapped it in two, and tossed it on the ground. The bow merged back together by magic, but Pit didn't care. He pouted.

"Uh-oh. Trouble in paradise?" Hermes approached.

"Palutena has been driving her chariot for two centuries now. And she STILL don't know HOW and WHEN is the RIGHT time to switch lanes!"

"Just teach her to use her blind spot."

"I did!" Pit said, "every time she drives. Just today, I told her to switch lanes. It was the perfect opportunity to do so. She didn't. She hesitated, twice on occasions, and next thing you know it was too late: chariots in the world started passing by us. Even flying things, birds, planes, even a hot-air balloon and a fly! A FLY!"

"Whoa that bad huh?" Hermes said, "well, there's only one solution left in all of this."

"And what's that?"

Hermes had a huge malicious smile on his face.

xxx

Couple of hours later, Pit and Palutena were back on the sky road again. They took an exit from Cloudy Way to Rainbow Road Highway.

"All right Pit." Palutena said, "Tell me when it's time for me to go to the next lane."

"Okay." Pit said cheerfully and stood a little bit from his seat. He glanced over Palutena's blindspot. The road was clear, except there were two big chariots coming in. Only 20 seconds until they reached Palutena's blindspot.

"Okay! You should go now!"

Palutena hesitated. The two chariots were coming in, but still far off. 15 seconds.

"Palutena, you should go!" Pit said again.

"Are you sure?" she asked, "Because those two chariots are coming in fast. I don't wanna be ran o-"

Pit sat back down, secretly pulled out a remote and pressed a button.

_Activating Driving Assist! Lane switch now!_

"Wait, what was that?" Palutena said.

Before she knew it, the chariot instantly swerved to the next lane and went full-speed. The two chariots behind her were barely 5 seconds close to her when they came at a panicky full stop.

"KYAAAAAAAA!" Palutena screamed. The chariot was in F-Zero Mode, swerving lane to lane and dodging every traffic up ahead. Palutena was in tears, screaming from the top of her lungs. Pit was shouting, "WHOOOO-HOOOO!" having the time of his life.

The chariot went right past a sky road camera and it took a picture. A police officer on his chariot read the speed: 500cc!

The officer jumped into his chariot to give chase but by the time he started his chariot, Palutena's chariot was off the radar. He blinked, puzzled.

Palutena screamed so much, she was losing her voice. Pit screamed so hard his voice was hoarse. The chariot was in full-control of the driver now.

Finally the chariot stopped at its final destination, leaving Palutena dizzy and her hair in a funky-style frizz. Pit's hair was all spiky like Sora's.

"WHOO-HOO!" he cheered after a moment of silence, "FINALLY! We got in on time!" he turned to the goddess, "So, shall we get the groceries?"

Palutena puked up a waterfall before fainting with a bloody nose. Pit put away his secret remote and brushed his hands. Job well done.

xxx

_**Important Author's Note: **_

_**This is a reply to Martyn based on last review (also to every reader with the same idea. You should take notes also because this is very important)**_

_Martyn, that's a good idea for a story but I am in no position of writing stories from other people's ideas, let alone take writing requests. That's not what is all about. ___If you have an idea for a story, write it yourself. Don't put it on me. _Commissions are against this website code of conduct. _

_So to anyone who keeps sending me writing requests, or plot ideas for this story or other stories, I appreciate the gesture, but don't do that anymore. It's annoying, stressful, and I only write when I feel like it. I'm not here to make a business out of it. If you want commission and all that there is Archive of Our Own and DeviantArt._


	8. Dating Arrangement that is soo messed up

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Kid Icarus.

**Author's Note:** Palutena does not appear in this episode. Completely based on the latest _Baby Daddy _episode_. _

* * *

><p>PALUTENA AND THE OLYMPIANS<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Ep. 8–A Dating Arrangement that is soooo messed up<br>**

* * *

><p>xXx<p>

The doors to Olympus Palace Hallway flung open and in came geeky-looking Ares with his combed-back red hair and academic outfit sweater-vest, red dress shirt and corduroy pants. He was carrying a baby in a heart-shaped cradle.

"Hey Pit!" he found the Skyworld angel there, "There you are!"

Pit jumped back at his sight, "Ares?"

"Hey, you got any of that anti-love potion? Holding Aphrodite's baby Cupid makes me wanna jump on _anything_ I see!" He paused to stare at Pit and licked his upper lip, "…and I do like what I see."

Pit took six steps back from Ares. "Looks like Cupid's love spell is _way _too strong on you buddy."

Viridi crossed her arms, staring at Ares and Pit in disgust, "Well unlike you, horny god of war, I'm immune to love-induced gods and goddesses spells."

"Ignore her," Pit said, "She's cranky, 'cause I'm on a date."

"Or _trying_ to be!" Viridi mocked. "So do tell, Pit. Which girl are you really dating right now? Persephone or-"

"Why are you here, Ares?" Pit quickly asked Ares, cutting off Viridi.

"I'm looking for Aphrodite." he said.

Pit blinked back his startled eyes, "Wait what? Aphrodite?"

"Yeah, you know where she is?"

Pit couldn't find the words to properly answer that question. Because he knew EXACTLY where she was.

"Ares?" the voice of Aphrodite startled him. She came in, in a radiant pink evening gown, looking like a cheerleader at homecoming. "What are you doing here?" she asked. "Is something wrong with Cupid?"

Ares frowned, "No, something wrong with me! What are YOU doing here?"

"I'm having dinner with Pit." She said cheerfully.

Ares turned to Pit in utter shock. "What?"

"Whoa-whoa! That's… wuh-that's not…entirely true." Pit said, "I'm having…"

A white symbol formed before the group and a white shade of light shaped into two human forms to reveal another young woman and another man. The woman had dark hair, light-brown skin, cat-eyes and wore a sultry legless dress; while the man looked like a 6 feet tall blond pro football player/male model, who was shirtless and wearing just a pair of jeans. A real Adonis. It WAS Adonis.

"We're heeeeere!" the woman said.

Adonis turned to Pit and waved cheerfully, "Hey, Pit!" he said.

"…Great timing, Percy!" Pit called the woman that.

"Wuh?" Aphrodite said.

"I'm having dinner with Persephone!" Pit clarified.

"What?" Persephone, or Percy as Pit called her, scowled in disgust, "Ew, no!" she turned to Adonis, "I'm having dinner with Adonis!"

"WHAT?" Both Aphrodite and Pit screamed.

"Adonis?" Pit said with horror.

"As in my ex-fiance Adonis?!" Aphrodite added.

"Uhh, yeah?" Persephone said. "We're gonna be watching _Once Upon a Time _midseason premiere together_. _My ex-husband is gonna be there!"

"Wait I'm confused." Adonis scratched his head. "I'm having dinner with you?" he pointed at Persephone, "How did that happen?"

"It happened because you keep HITTING ON HER?" screamed Pit.

Adonis scowled.

"First Adonis, now PIT?" Aphrodite shouted at Persephone, then turned to Pit, "So you don't wanna go out with ME?"

Persephone turned to Adonis, "And you don't wanna go out with me?"

Pit and Adonis looked at each other, not knowing what to say.

"Hold up!"

All eyes turned to Ares.

"Does ANYONE wanna go out with ME?" Ares asked.

Pit, Adonis, Persephone and Aphrodite all looked at each other, unable to respond to _that_ question. A strange quiet settled in the hall until Viridi's laughter echoed, catching all attention. Viridi was at the corner of the room drinking Greek wine.

"Oh-ho!" she raised her glass for a toast, "Now this is way better than _Scandal _and my favorite soap opera _Centuries of Our Lives _combined!"

xxx


End file.
